Movie reviews on Netflix get two thumbs up
Who is the patron saint of the internet? I don't know either but whoever he is, I give him a standing rogation. Through what other medium can a highschooler be a master hacker, or a serial killer masquerade as a horny cheerleader or yours truly be a published movie critic? That's right. Thanks to the wonderful people at Netflix, my reactions to cinematic blockbusters and time wasters are posted right up there with the likes of Roger Ebert and Eleanor Ringel. Netflix, for those not in the know, is a paid service whereby subscribers go online and select movies they want to watch. The movies are then mailed out with a postage-paid envelope so the DVDs can easily be returned once viewed. My wife and I have subscribed to this service for a few years now and can't say enough wonderful things about it.
Most recently I've been exploring the write-your-own-review feature. This is where I get to express my thoughts about what I've seen and it gets broadcast via the innerweb to anyone on the planet who values my cinematic opinion (and really, who wouldn't?). There are a few guidelines Netflix asks me to keep in mind, i.e. no profanity, no spoilers and no misspellings, the latter of which is probably the most abated rule. They also ask that I refrain from submitting one-word commentaries. In their estimation "Sucks" or "Excellent" does not a movie review make. Submissions should also be greater than 80 characters and less than 2000, so the review "Not since Ishtar have I seen such a pathetic excuse for a movie as this" with only 71 characters should be amended to "Not since Ishtar have I seen such a pathetic excuse for a movie as this dog squeeze" (82 characters).
So far I've reviewed twelve movies, some of which are foreign, some not, some funny, some not, some dog squeeze, some not. All movies get a star rating between one and five stars, five being the best. Whenever I click on the number of stars that corresponds with my vote, I picture Ed McMahon shouting out rankings on StarSearch. Wedding Crashers gets . . . [insert dramatic pause] . . . three stars! And Broken Flowers gets . . . [insert dramatic pause] . . . FOUR STARS!!! I have awarded five stars to a number of movies, only one of which I've reviewed, and sadly a number of movies have merited one star in my book. Admittedly, some of these one-star movies I haven't actually seen, but I'm sure if I did, I'd give them one star. This is the case for anything with either Hellraiser or VeggieTales in the title. I have absolutely no interest in watching people killed by Pinhead or accepting a talking legume as my lord and savior. Magnificent acting and budding sexuality in a film however as in the case of both Fat Girl and Me and You and Everyone We Know, if satiating enough will get five stars. My average rating is between three and four stars.
The reviews people write on this site are sometimes more interesting to see than the movies themselves. Like anything else you find on the internet, the material is only as good as the person providing it. One subscriber who identifies himself only as RupertPupkin writes the following about Veggie Tales: Bible Heroes:
About Breakfast Club, a movie I rated five stars, a reviewer Def American writes "Judd Nelson. He is soooo cool." Why the superfluous O's? Is Def American stretching to meet the 80 character minimum? He also claims to have "cried like a girl" when the closing credits came on. Gene Siskel must be rolling over in his grave.
Expressing thoughts on a movie comes easily when the film is one I'm not overly crazy about, but I struggle with reviewing my favorite flicks. How many different ways can one say a movie rocked? Well, there is that old extra O's on the word "so" trick, but frankly I think that's played. Self consciousness kicks in, and I worry that I overuse certain words or expressions. "Cinematic masterpiece" is fine for one review, but after that I feel like I should employ another turn of phrase. "Awesome film" would work for Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure but not for Schindler's List.
My hope is that I convey my thoughts well enough in a review so as to give the reader adequate information. This way they can decide whether they want to rent the film. Visitors to the Netflix site do have the option of clicking on an icon to acknowldge my review was helpful (hint hint), but because I'm fairly new to the whole thing not a lot of people have reviewed my reviews. Most of my blurbs have the endnote that one person found the review helpful. Some show no response at all. I'm very proud of my review for Chumscrubber however. A whopping five people found that review helpful. Five! Ok, I may have clicked on the icon a few times, but that's still two people who found it helpful.
One not counting family.
Most recently I've been exploring the write-your-own-review feature. This is where I get to express my thoughts about what I've seen and it gets broadcast via the innerweb to anyone on the planet who values my cinematic opinion (and really, who wouldn't?). There are a few guidelines Netflix asks me to keep in mind, i.e. no profanity, no spoilers and no misspellings, the latter of which is probably the most abated rule. They also ask that I refrain from submitting one-word commentaries. In their estimation "Sucks" or "Excellent" does not a movie review make. Submissions should also be greater than 80 characters and less than 2000, so the review "Not since Ishtar have I seen such a pathetic excuse for a movie as this" with only 71 characters should be amended to "Not since Ishtar have I seen such a pathetic excuse for a movie as this dog squeeze" (82 characters).
So far I've reviewed twelve movies, some of which are foreign, some not, some funny, some not, some dog squeeze, some not. All movies get a star rating between one and five stars, five being the best. Whenever I click on the number of stars that corresponds with my vote, I picture Ed McMahon shouting out rankings on StarSearch. Wedding Crashers gets . . . [insert dramatic pause] . . . three stars! And Broken Flowers gets . . . [insert dramatic pause] . . . FOUR STARS!!! I have awarded five stars to a number of movies, only one of which I've reviewed, and sadly a number of movies have merited one star in my book. Admittedly, some of these one-star movies I haven't actually seen, but I'm sure if I did, I'd give them one star. This is the case for anything with either Hellraiser or VeggieTales in the title. I have absolutely no interest in watching people killed by Pinhead or accepting a talking legume as my lord and savior. Magnificent acting and budding sexuality in a film however as in the case of both Fat Girl and Me and You and Everyone We Know, if satiating enough will get five stars. My average rating is between three and four stars.
The reviews people write on this site are sometimes more interesting to see than the movies themselves. Like anything else you find on the internet, the material is only as good as the person providing it. One subscriber who identifies himself only as RupertPupkin writes the following about Veggie Tales: Bible Heroes:
Doesn't that just beautifully capture the whole essence of the Apostle Paul's letters to the Corinthians?Vegitables rock. i like vegitabels. I like to eat vegtbles.. vegie movies are; fun becase they have carrots. I want more vegtbles 9 s i can eat more arsparugus have to seethis computrw movie its like watching real vegitlbes movie
About Breakfast Club, a movie I rated five stars, a reviewer Def American writes "Judd Nelson. He is soooo cool." Why the superfluous O's? Is Def American stretching to meet the 80 character minimum? He also claims to have "cried like a girl" when the closing credits came on. Gene Siskel must be rolling over in his grave.
Expressing thoughts on a movie comes easily when the film is one I'm not overly crazy about, but I struggle with reviewing my favorite flicks. How many different ways can one say a movie rocked? Well, there is that old extra O's on the word "so" trick, but frankly I think that's played. Self consciousness kicks in, and I worry that I overuse certain words or expressions. "Cinematic masterpiece" is fine for one review, but after that I feel like I should employ another turn of phrase. "Awesome film" would work for Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure but not for Schindler's List.
My hope is that I convey my thoughts well enough in a review so as to give the reader adequate information. This way they can decide whether they want to rent the film. Visitors to the Netflix site do have the option of clicking on an icon to acknowldge my review was helpful (hint hint), but because I'm fairly new to the whole thing not a lot of people have reviewed my reviews. Most of my blurbs have the endnote that one person found the review helpful. Some show no response at all. I'm very proud of my review for Chumscrubber however. A whopping five people found that review helpful. Five! Ok, I may have clicked on the icon a few times, but that's still two people who found it helpful.
One not counting family.
posted by kevin black at
8:12 PM
5 Comments:
My X IM'd me yesterday to tell me he was stalking me on netflix and ordering all the stuff that I did, which I took as a creepy compliment.
Amazon is also a great place to leave reviews. Apparently it's boosts the authors ratings as well.
If you think that VeggieTales is portraying a tomato or a cucumber as the lord and saviour, than you are totally ignorant. The whole point of the series is to make bible stories accessible to children, to help get the story across. Maybe you should look a little deeper into the things you watch, and not judge before you know what you are judging.
Wouldn't you know you would get a critique about critiquing a bad critique. Ah well, maybe anonymous should have the honesty to not be anonymous and maybe be a little less judgmental. I have added some of your recommended flicks to my queue. Then I will rate your reviews. My latest find is 'The Shipping News' a totally unexpected jewel.
You have to love when people post "anonymously" to a blog and then scurry back under their rock.
Now, as far as my religious concerns about your blasphemous post, I feel that you are a pagan and a heathen. If I were Pat Robertson, there would be thousands of Christians strapping TNT to their bodies and running into every Google office in the world.
All hail our Vegetable overlords and may you rot in hell (which I hear is kinda like the Bible Belt ... just a bunch of religious zealots who paved the way with good intentions).
Hey Anonymous Zealot--next time you load up your Netflix's queue you might want to intersperse the theology lessons with the Schoolhouse Rock grammar edition so that your children will have a better command of the language THAN you do.
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