Babies R Us shopper leaves empty-handed

A most generous real estate client and his family recently sent me a $50 gift card to Babies R Us. Before Meryl was born, Elaine and I looked somewhat dispargingly at this place as the Megolomart of baby products, a corporate monolith to be overlooked and passed over in favor of smaller quainter baby boutiques, and yet once we went in we were enamored with all the wonderful things to be found there. Since my wife delivered almost 11 weeks ago, we have dropped I don't know how much money into that very establishment. We've been countless times and each time find something we feel we must get, even if it's just diapers and formula. Their prices are cheaper than many other places and they sell all the practical stuff along with the frills.

On my lunch break the other day I went in Babies R Us once again to to buy something for Meryl. Since most all of our purchases bought with shower gift cards have been of the practical variety (diapers, pacifiers, wireless mouse and keyboard), I thought I would take this opportunity to get her something fun, something she would enjoy and something we would enjoy watching her enjoy.

The problem with baby toys is that they only come in garish primary colors. Fire engine red. School bus yellow. Lime green. That alone isn't necessarily bad, and I know this is because these colors are easiest for her developing eyes to see, but . . . this is going to sound selfish . . . they don't match our furniture. All our rooms are painted with Martha Stewart colors and Martha just doesn't recommend any of the colors on the Fisher Price pallet. And for good reason. They clash like polka dots with animal print.

We have not showered our daughter excessively with toys yet, and I don't see it happening. She does however have the Little Tikes 5-in-1 Adjustable Gym that she likes. It looks like a plastic sawhorse tipped over on its side. You lay her underneath it and when she kicks the board at the bottom, lights blink above her head and music plays. She loves it and flails her little arms and legs when it makes music, especially Itsy Bitsy Spider, but the thing is an eyesore.

When you're looking for toys appropriate for children aged zero to six months, you quickly find the choices are limited. I don't know what I walked in there expecting to find. A ten-week-old can't exactly sort blocks or operate a remote control car. Her daily activities now are limited to cooing, kicking, arm flailing, pooping, peeing and squealing, and most of those abilities don't lend themselves to play time.

Most of the toys in her age group are variations of the one thing she already has. Some gyms play more songs, some have different lights, some have plush rattles that hang down in her face, but they're all just more of the same. Some of them go for more than $70. Yes, that's a seven and a zero. Seventy. My daughter would rue the day that I paid that much on a toy for her at this age because to rationalize the amount spent I would make her play with it for the next ten years. Who needs the Barbie Dream House when Barbie can just live in the Little Tikes 5-in-1 Adjustable Gym? And if Ken head-butts the green board at the bottom, they can both dance to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

I left Babies R Us with nothing in hand but the gift card I walked in with. It's difficult to justify spending obscene amounts of money (even gifted monies) on toys that she'll outgrow before I figure out how to put the batteries in them. Besides, Meryl's favorite activity now is laying on her changing table watching the overhead fan spin around and I wanna milk that for as long as I can. I'll go back to the store in a few days and probably purchase some of the ol' standbys: diapers, formula, maybe the 80s Edition of Trivial Pursuit™ .

Did I mention you can also use the card at Toys R Us?