Call center etiquette

For my handy dandy All American guide to getting what you want from a call center, click here.

Words on any particular topic about which I'd be prepared to write a suitable entry elude me today. I can think of nothing particularly interesting to write on, but since I have been spending the past hour or so enjoying others write about how they spend their eight hours of cubedom, I will share a bit of the tedium that is my work day. Since I work in a call center, let's start with a breakdown of what goes on and maybe a little lesson in call center etiquette. No, I don't mean rules for the customer service person to abide by. I mean some suggestions for ye who is eventually asked to oprima numero dos por continuar in español.

Our company does not have an automated system so most people who call me are delighted that they did not have to push button their way through three rounds of Mary Had A Little Lamb before getting through to a live operator. Often the caller on the other end of my phone begins the conversation with Are you a real person? This question begs for a smart-ass remark, but usually I decline. Many people have been forwarded my company's number by their insurance company with instructions to call so sometimes I get XYZ insurance company told me to call you but I don't exactly know why. Again, I so want to tell them they were sent here so I could share with them my prize-winning chocolate chip cookie recipe but I do not. I am always amazed at the people who after calling say Who are you people anyway? A troupe of dancing midgets, Ma'am. How may we help you?

At some point in the conversation after I allow the caller to share their tale of woe, little of which usually ever has any bearing on how I can help them, I have to take down their personal information (name, address, etc.) I find that if I've let them rant enough, they're then usually happy to let me take over the conversation and get what I need from them. Occasionally though they will want to continue telling me crap I really don't care to hear. Such a discussion might go something like this:

Me: What's your last name?

Caller: Johnson. So I was in my insurance company today and they told me I had to call.

Me: Right, and your first name?

Caller: Joe. You wouldn't believe what I'm paying for car insurance.

Me: I can imagine. And your address Mr. Johnson?

Most people truly just want to be heard, even when much of what they say isn't worth hearing.

When it comes time for me to take down someone's address the caller will sometimes just say 123 Main Street and stop right there. Some will go on to give a city but no state. Californians are the worst about this, as though residing in the Golden State means your city stands on its own like Cher or Madonna. I like to throw Californians off so that when they say 123 Main Street, San Bernardino I always respond with Wisconsin?

Speaking of states, let me say a few words on some that warrant a talking to.

Hawaii: Without fail a Hawaiian -- let's call him James Cook -- will call me and after spelling his monosyllabic four-letter name go on to say something like My address is 123 Melekalikimakaoahumaui Street , that's S-T-R-E-E-T, Street. People, I'm doing well to get Schenectady and Ypsilanti spelled correctly. Give me a break. Sometimes I think Hawaiians get off on knowing I don't know how to spell their heathen street names.

Michigan: Speaking of Ypsilanti, what is it with all you people in the Wolverine State? When you call you sound like the world is coming to an end and your dog just got hit by a car. These people just always sound so sad. When I answer the phone and ask how may I help you a Michigander's whiny response is often Well, I don't know if you can help me. So why did you call, you freaking sad sap? Because it sure wasn't to share a little sunshine.

North and South Dakotas: Whereas Michiganders sound like they can't bring themselves to go on living, people in the Dakotas sound like they've just discovered amphetamines for the first time. They're always happy and jovial. What's more, you know that movie Fargo? They really do talk like that.

New York: On behalf of the entire population of the United States outside of the Empire State, I would like to make a sincere apology. New Yorkers, for years we all have mistaken you for being rude. We were wrong. It's just that we can't distinguish your accent from that of those who reside in New Jersey.

New Jersey: See above.

Kentucky: Is your state just one big mobile home park? Being a fellow Southerner I hate to say this but you people sound like your public school system stops at the third grade. It's not the accent. It's poor diction and grammar and . . . let me just stop right there.

Speaking of accents, let me say something on the topic. When you ask a Southerner where they're from and they tell you what state they were born in, you following up with Wow, you don't have a Southern accent is rude. This is on par with telling a minority Wow, you're very articulate. Having a Southern accent is not something to be ashamed of and therefore not having one is not something to be proud of. You mean it to be a compliment, but it is not one. It is a backhanded insult.

Other annoyances are those who instead compliment me on my Southern accent and then when I respond with You have a nice accent as well say Ummm, but I don't have an accent. Think about it people. This isn't rocket science. Everyone has an accent. Ted Kennedy and Jimmy Carter have accents. Ted Koppell and Dan Rather have accents. Midwesterners, I know it hurts you to admit it, but you too have an accent.

Moving on.

Many people will then ask where they're calling. When I call a business I do this too. Therefore this is acceptable behavior.

At first I was reluctant to ask people for their Social Security number. In college I peddled credit cards over the phone and asking for someone's Social Secutiy number was often a deal breaker. Now that my calls are strictly inbound, you'd be surprised at how many people give out their Socil Security number as freely as they would their astrological sign. To be honest even if they refuse I can usually get it once they tell me their name and address if I search hard enough. It just makes my job easier if I don't have to jump through as many hoops. The less work I have to do with a caller on the phone, the more easily I can help him and thus the more likely he is to get what he wants in a timely fashion. People don't always understand this though and instead see phoning a call center as an opportunity to stick it to the man.

Irate callers, let me take this opportunity to put it to you straight. You're pissed. You know you're pissed, and I know you're pissed. I can appreciate that. But to be honest, neither I nor my employer had anything to do with you being pissed. If you're on my phone, you're most likely pissed because of something your insurance company did. I know they told you to call this number, but this company only does what your insurance company pays us to do including "being the heavy." When you pay your premium each month, you are paying your insurance company to continue pissing you off. It's as simple as that.

That being said, I love my irate callers. I will truly try and help them if I can regardless of the tone or the language they use. Do keep in mind however that although yours truly doesn't do it, many will take pleasure in putting the irate potty mouth on speaker phone so that other coworkers can join in the fun.

Although I can deal with a potty mouth, what I don't love are the women (it's always women) who start the conversation with I'm calling for my son. Fine. I'll ask for the son's name, his address, his driver's license number, his phone number, his Social Security number, the name of his insurance company and finally his date of birth. Get this. Whenever someone calls on behalf of her son, the son's birthdate seldom if ever falls after 1975. Lady, whatever problem your calling about that your 30-something son has, it doesn't compare to the problem he has because you, his mommy, still coddle him like he can't go to the bathroom by himself. Usually these are the guys with multiple collision claims and 4 DUI's. I wish I were kidding.

While those of us who work in call centers often have little control over the cause of your shitty situation, we do often have the ability to make your situation shittier. I can truly and proudly say you won't get this from me, but some call center peeps look at their ringing phone as an opportunity to compensate for their own lack of social standing, lack of education or lack of pay by exerting their unwanted influence on someone else's life. I predict the same people who can't get decent help via a call center are the same people who get served spat-on fries at the drive-thru.

Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the grease; Other times it gets put on hold . . .

Or given the ol' run-around . . .

Or . . . CLICK .