La Madeleine restaurant is faux-French

Today as a change in lunch venues I ventured into the local La Madeleine café and bakery. Before going any further let me say that in college I was a French major which qualifies me for teaching French, salting the fries, working in a call center or critiquing the many aberrations found on the menus and signage of quasi-French restaurants. When enjoying an overpriced salad, chocolate torte and two double espressos at La Madeleine, it's specifically the latter skill that seems to rear its ugly pretentious head.

For starters the flag shown on the sign outside this establishment that trumpets itself a "French" restaurant does not even closely resemble the French flag. The French flag consists of three vertical bands of equal width: blue; white; and red. The emblem displayed on the sign in the parking lot shows three horizontal bands of blue, white and red. As far as I can tell, this isn't the actual flag of any country but instead looks like the flag for the Netherlands flying upside down. Is this some anti-Dutch sentiment being expressed by the higher-ups at La Madeleine? Whatever it is, it's not the French flag. I'm just saying.

Another faux-pas I saw that grated on my nerves was a sign for a drink they serve called the "Crème frappé [sic]." Kudos to them for getting the accents correct but shame on them for forgetting the obligatory second E on frappée. Crème is a feminine noun and therefore adjectives following it should take the feminine form. You say un dessert frappé (a frozen dessert) but une crème frappeé (an overpriced frozen coffee-like treat.) Notice the additional E because crème is feminine.

Another grammatical gripe was the kids' menu that was labeled "le children's menu." This is just stupid. At the bottom it also says "10 and under s'il vous plaît." Again, this is just a linguistic melange that looks stilted at best.

You know what else? There's not a single French wine in the place. Oh yes, they will proudly serve you a glass of the Beringer White Zinfandel, but sadly your craving for gallic nectar will not be satiated here. The closest they come is a bottle of Clos du Bois, which if you pay any attention to their ads on the radio, the wine in the bottle is no more French than the fake Frenchie accented actor who does the commercials.

What La Madeleine does offer that is slightly reminiscent of a Parisian cafe is people watching. In the hour I was there, I saw some real characters come into this place, several of whom were employees of the Spa Sydell next door. They were easily identifiable because of the skin-tight black lycra they wear. Sadly they apparently are made to wear this even if their body type doesn't lend itself to black lycra. This was especially the case with the gaysian woman who, judging by the size of her biceps, must have been a masseuse. Her thighs obviously don't receive the same daily workout as her arms do.

I sat at the table directly across from the register so I constantly had people's oversized asses staring me in the face while I ate. One woman was wearing something I guess could best be described as sweatknickers. They were made of sweatpant material and only went down mid chubby calf. Her pantyline was also evident because of the flesh spilling out of her underwear. People, they make clothes for that.

One sinewy man was wearing shorts that revealed several lacerations on his ankles and calves. He had a hardback book but I couldn't make out the title. By the looks of him it was probably How to Escape from a High Security Prison. I'm serious. His legs looked like he tried to scale a razorwire fence. All for an Orangina. Go figure.

La Madeleine offers up some yummy treats, and if you don't mind paying the inflated prices on the food, it's not really too bad as far as chains go. It's buffet-style so you don't have to tip. Breads are good there too. But as far as French goes, this place really ain't got it.

I take that back -- there is one thing that reminded me of France while I was there.

Their bathrooms smell much like those in the Paris metro.