Burger King character or Satan's spawn?

Have you seen the new Burger King commercials? The Burger King guy with the gargantuan plastic head and crimson red eyes is pure evil incarnate. The creepy factor on this guy is way off the charts. If his looks alone weren't reason enough to make you question his motives then surely his reckless behavior would be. I'm talking about the commercial where they show him drilling bolts into a steel girder as he and another guy are standing God-only-knows how many stories high off the ground on an I-beam at a construction site. Near the end of the commercial, the Burger King slaps his construction coworker on the back so hard that the coworker almost plummets to his doom.

Luckily the other driller catches his balance thus saving himself from an otherwise fatal fall. This Burger King character doesn't make me want to buy a hamburger; he makes me want to buy a gun.

More puzzling to me is why the Burger King is working part-time at a construction job. Can he not find work elsewhere? Doesn't he get enough hours at the 2.7 gazillion restaurants he has in the world, what with openings and birthday parties and such? I don't mean to make snap judgments, but is he really cut out for construction work? Any moron can hold a drill. That doesn't mean he needs to be assembling architecture. I can't help but wonder if the Burger King was taken on in order to fill some hiring quota. Can't you just picture a foreman saying Well, last week we hired two Inuits and I've already got a Pacific Islander on drywall . . . Hmm, maybe we can keep the people at EEOC further at bay if we hire a member of fast food royalty. What if this commercial takes place at the site of an under construction McDonald's? Am I the only one who sees what havoc could be reeked by a disgruntled Burger King wielding a power tool thirty stories high? I shudder to think.

No sir, the Burger King is not your friend. If ever there were a reason to invoke stranger danger it would be because of him. I never thought I'd see the day that I could say Ronald McDonald would make a safer playmate for one's child, but it's true. Speaking of children, when I was in second grade, my class got to tour a Burger King in the late 70s. I remember the deep fry matron telling us the reason the hamburgers tasted so good was because they cooked them with fire. Now I know her secret. It's eternal hellfire.